My response to the prompt for this week:
“What value do you have that sometimes causes you problems? Has this ever led you to question whether or not you should abandon it or modify it? Why or why not?”
I don’t think there is a value that I have that gets me in trouble. I wish I was more patient. That’s important. That’s not a value I have, but one that I would like. I wish I didn’t expect so much from people. This suffers from the same problem. I wish I could be myself in here. Maybe that’s the value that gets me in trouble. How every time I have to pretend to be someone else, no matter how insignificant these dxxeptions may be, I feel spiritually nauseous. The few places that I can be myself, college classes, on the phone with my partner, here in this space, are so few. I value being honest, and when I have to violate that value it really sucks. I miss having people to talk to all of the time without motives outside of the joy of connection. So that value gets me in trouble. It’s not something that I would ever give up. Being true to yourself isn’t an option in here that does not come without consequences. It’s easier to avoid people. But this too comes with consequences. It means I sit here in the quiet solitude for hours at a time, for days on end. It means that years have gone by where I have said no more than five words to someone. And so on.
I am not ungrateful. Every moment was a miracle. To be able to represent a tiny piece of an unfathomable Whole, flaring into being like a star but so unlike a star and everything else. The cosmos opening a thought and turning it on itself.
Here is an example of me being myself, and so, at least for now, I can be true to my character without fear of reprisal. Without consequence. It feels good. It feels fucking amazing.
Robert Hiraeth 